Partytime

The subject matter of this week's post is one that I've told myself would never become an important theme in my writing: partying. The reason I've been so reluctant is because too often I see foreigners approach travelling as simply an international bar crawl. I find this unfortunate because I feel that spending your nights drinking and your days hungover is a great way to miss out on the numerous opportunities and experiences that are put right in front of you when you insert yourself in a foreign environment. Now before people who know me from back home begin accusing me of being a hypocrite, I will admit that I enjoy going out and partying as much as anyone (I mean, I was in a frat ok?). But, if there's one thing I learned from my college and fraternity experience (aside from, of course, being the best man I can be, that I can invent the future, and Jimmy John's sandwiches are garbage),  it's that you don't need to travel great distances to get drunk and act like a fool (tuition money well spent). So, armed with this knowledge, I have made a conscious effort on my part since arriving here to dial back that aspect of my life and focus more on the things that actually brought me here; but, dialing back doesn't mean cutting out entirely. I am a single man in my early twenties and I won't be able to meet girls if I stay in on the weekends banging out blog posts. I also figure that if I dedicate one post to the party atmosphere around here I'll never have to bring it up again, unless something totally out of left field happens. With this mission in mind, I sucked it up and spent this past weekend patronizing a few local Guilin hotspots, because sometimes in life sacrifices must be made for the greater good (in this case the greater blog post) . This won't be a comprehensive list of every cool place to go here, just what I've done so far.

Let me start by commenting on the local alcohol situation. There are several import stores around here where one can buy nice beer, wine, and liquor and most convenience stores sell American Budweiser but, the local alcohol selection leaves something to be desired. If you're looking for the cheapest way to catch a buzz you're faced with three options:

1) Liquan beer (Lee-chuan)-This is the most common beer available at convenience stores. You can buy it in a can or a large bottle equal to about 2.5 cans. Considering that its the cheapest beer in a country not well known for producing good beers, it should come as no surprise to you that people drinking these are usually aiming for quantity over quality. I've also heard from more than one person that the Liquan company puts formaldehyde (embalming fluid) in their beer (I guess to preserve the taste maybe??) I'm not sure if I believe that it's actually formaldehyde but something is definitely sketchy about a beer that is 3.6% alcohol and has a distinctive, non-watery taste. Best not to think about it.

2) Baijiu (Bye Joe)-Hooooooo boy, this stuff is for people who really like to live on the edge. It's a clear rice liquor that tastes like a mixture of vodka and gasoline. I'm still not quite sure if this stuff has any business being in a human body. It's not uncommon to walk around here and see groups of Chinese men sitting at tables drunk off their asses and chain-smoking with several of these bottles sitting on the table and no chasers in sight. These people aren't messing around.

3. Great Wall-Not much to say here. It's a cheap red wine designed to be distributed en masse. I'm sure wine connoisseurs would hate it but I can't say that it's the worst wine I've ever had. There's this stuff called Franzia...

So, given these three choices (or an import if you decide you would rather pay extra because you want to avoid waking up with sharp pains in your stomach), the move on the weekends is to normally find somebody's apartment to hang out at and drink a bit before hitting the town and seeing where the night takes you. Once the decision is made to head out, there are a couple choices:

1. The International Youth Hostel- This hostel is a place where travellers often stay when just passing through. There's a cool lobby inside with a bar and lots of tables and couches. This isn't a place to go and get rowdy but it's fun to go with a smaller group of friends. One of the things I really like about this place are the people you run into. You often hear some pretty cool stories when people are explaining to you just how they came to be in this part of the world.

2. Cats and Rabbits- Located across the street from the hostel, this bar is probably the most popular place for foreigners living in Guilin to go out to on a weekend night. Even though just about all the employees there are Chinese, there's usually western music playing. They will also have the occasional band come through. I feel that foreigners like CnR because it has become a familiar place in an unfamiliar environment. It's small enough to where you can walk in and expect to see some recognizable faces and hear some recognizable songs but not so familiar that you'll forget what country you're in (and if you do forget, the bathrooms will certainly remind you). 

Bush isn't too popular here

 3. Muse- What is Muse? OMG only the hottest nightclub in town. I don't think I've ever come here

before midnight. If you're trying to kick things up a notch, this is the place you would go. Immediately upon entering Muse, one is thrown into a bizarro world full of strobe lights, lasers, and exotic dancers. The main room is about 50x40 yards with two stories of rented out booths for large parties surrounding a main stage area where people go to dance. Periodically throughout the night they will clear the dance floor and put a quick "show". These shows have a pretty wide variety. In the past I've seen everything from a hired performer singing popular Chinese songs, to Ukrainian women putting on a fashion show (I'd rather not think about how they came to be in Guilin but I'd be lying if I said I've never speculated), to a bunch of dudes wearing women's clothing and dancing in a suggestive manner (things can sometimes get a little weird). But, Muse is a place where, more than many other places, I have reaped the benefits of my foreign-ness. The booths in this place are typically rented out by local Chinese people who are having work parties, birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. I'm not sure what the exact prices of these booths are, but I know that they're relatively expensive. What Muse does in order to make reserving one a bargain is to match the price of the booth with alcohol. Because alcohol around here is so cheap, it is not uncommon to walk around and see people sitting at a table with beers stacked into pyramids which are unlikely to be entirely finished. Since I'm such a rare specimen, oftentimes I get waved over by people sitting at these tables to come hang out. I realize that it probably has less to do with them actually wanting to hang out with me and more to do with them wanting other people in the club to see that they hang out with, presumably rich, foreigners but I'm OK with that (plus if they
took a look at my bank account they would see that the joke is on them).

I've been told from several extremely unofficial sources that there are certain Chinese customs that govern the behavior of a person playing a host. One of these customs is that, as a host, if your guests do not leave drunk and happy you have failed at your duties. The reason that I bring this up is because I get the feeling that this custom has been applied to me several times while at Muse (with varying results). Whenever I sit down at one of these booths I immediately get all kinds of beers, shots, and cigarettes shoved in my face as well as people wanting to play drinking games. The rate at which all of these get put in front of me would not be considered a sustainable pace for somebody who wants to hang out for awhile, so I usually need to tell people to slow their roll a bit. Since clearly I'm not from the area many people are interested to hear about where I come from and other things that interest me. I've had conversations ranging from the NBA to Batman to the Ukrainian crisis (and yes the last conversation was brought on while watching the Ukrainian fashion models). A couple weekends ago I had somebody ask me to teach them the rules of "Rock, Paper, Scissors." I thought it would be a fun thing to show them for a few minutes...but man did that game take on a life of it's own. After teaching a couple people they, in turn, went and taught some of their friends and soon enough we had a full-blown RPS tournament on our hands involving around 20 people where the losers had to take shots. This lasted for

forty five minutes!!! I have never A) played RPS as a drinking game and B) played for that long. I eventually had to throw in the towel and remove myself from the situation so that I wouldn't get sick. Who knew that RPS, in addition to being an effective conflict resolution method, could be such a strong symbol of globalization (and intoxication). To borrow a quote from the Dos Equis guy: I do not always go to Muse, but when I do, It's always interesting.

Muse bathroom sink

"Going Native" Experience of the Week

I now have an official account at the local Guilin bank, an official address, and an official permit to work in China...life is weird.

Mandarin Improvement Sign

Sitting and watching the NBA playoffs with the owner of the local coffee shop and talking about basketball.

Funny Sign of the Week

Hungry but don't have enough time for a meal? Try some little black biscuits

Not sure why I think this is so funny but it is.

There's a couple funny parts to this one. In addition to reassuring the customer that a human body is capable of digesting these, the makers have also clearly ripped off the "Ritz" logo. 

Reason Why I Like This Place

You can sleep anywhere:

No this man is not dead, he was breathing when I walked by (or at least he appeared to be). There were other people curled up on the sidewalk nearby but I chose to take a picture of this person because he had chosen what looked to be the most uncomfortable position. Seeing as that he was wearing khakis, a belt, and a button down shirt I don't believe that he is homeless either. 

Random Tangent

As the World Cup draws near (June 12th) and soccer fever makes its customary once-every-four-years sweep through the US we will once again hear the age old hypothetical question: What would happen if the best athletes in America played soccer? (What if we had a team where Adrian Peterson was our center back, Allen Iverson was a winger, and Chris Paul was a center mid?). I agree that fielding a team full of physical specimens could potentially help, but, what the casual US soccer fan does not understand is that the deficiencies in our national team have nothing to do with athleticism. We already have the most athletic team in the world (and if we don't we're at least in the top 5). Our forward Jozy Altidore will be one of the most physically gifted players on any team this summer, but he is no where near being considered a world class player. How do you think Lionel Messi would do at an NFL combine? Xavi? Pirlo? Rooney? Altidore would destroy them in any physical test but, when it comes to soccer, he barely belongs on the same field as these guys. What makes these guys so good is that they have tremendous footwork and they can read the game. Their soccer IQ is through the roof and they can kick a ball into a net as if they were born to do it. This is exactly where the US falls behind. This isn't a weakness that can be solved by bench pressing or broad jumping or running a fast 40 yard dash. The best teams in the world are organized and smart and are able to make an inferior team chase the ball around for 90 minutes. Teams that rely on athleticism may be able to upset a team here and there but they are ultimately doomed in a tournament where you are required to play multiple games outdoors in the summer time. If strength and athleticism were the most important assets to have in soccer why is the Spanish team better than the big, bad Germans? Why has an African team (considered to be among the fastest sides in the world) never won a World Cup? If we're going to try to give off the impression that we're a soccer-mad nation for the next month let's also give off the impression that we at least understand the game. Go USA!

Hong Kong

My first trip outside of Guilin took me to Hong Kong...for about 45 minutes. In order to organize

my thoughts on this adventure I will divide my story up into sections:

1. Preface--For those of you who haven't experienced it, the process of entering a country on a tourist visa with the intention of obtaining a legal work permit while you are there is sketchy, to say the least. This is the process I am in the middle of right now. In order to enter China I had hoped to obtain a multiple entry visa which would be valid for one year and would allow me to stay in the country for up to 90 days before having to leave and reenter. I received my yearlong multiple entry visa but, due to some issues with the visa office, my maximum length of stay would only be 30 days instead of 90. Translation: until I get my work permit I need to leave the country every 30 days and reenter or risk getting booted out. Despite the fact that Hong Kong is technically recognized as part of China, its designation as a "Special Administrative Region" means that going through customs there and returning to China would qualify as "leaving the country"...even though the Chinese government considers Hong Kong part of the country (this all makes perfect sense right??). In order to get to Hong Kong I would need to purchase a train ticket to the city of Shenzhen, once there I would need to go through customs, before getting on another train that would take me into Hong Kong. The train from Guilin to Shenzhen would take about 13.5 hours, then, after customs, the train into Hong Kong would take me another 45 minutes to an hour. My school was paying for my trip so, in order to show good faith, I was going to try my hardest not to miss any school time for this trip. To do that, I would have to leave Friday night and try to return by Sunday. My parents had also sent a package with all of my nice clothes to their friends in Hong Kong, which I planned on picking up during my brief stay and bringing it back with me. In a nutshell, I was travelling all the way to Hong Kong to pick up a box then turn around and come back. To put this trip in perspective: my plane flight, which took me halfway across the world, from Detroit to Beijing took me around 12.5 hours; getting to Hong Kong would take about 14...and I was doing it twice in one weekend. Fun stuff.

2. Preparation--Going into this trip, I prepared for the worst. I've had too many bad travel experiences to assume that things will ever go according to plan. Whatever philosopher argued that humans are in control of their own destiny clearly had never been to an airport or a train station before. These are places jam-packed full of people, none of which actually want to be there, who are either waiting in lines they don't want to be in, paying for tickets they wish they didn't have to pay for, sitting in departure gate chairs they don't want to sit in, and/or eating snacks they don't want to eat. All in hopes that the weather outside allows them to reach their destination in time with all of their belongings intact. Tickets to me are just pieces of paper with arbitrary times written down in order to make you think that everything will go according to plan. My first step was to go to the train station and buy these tickets. I went by myself and, because of my limited Chinese, stood through two wrong lines before I finally figured out the right one. After buying my tickets I learned that I was supposed to arrive in Shenzhen at around noon on Saturday and my return trip would leave at 5:30 PM that same day. This time frame seemed doable at first (provided that these were the actual times the trains would be arriving and departing), but take away the two hours that it would take to get to and from Hong Kong, the amount of time it would take me to get through two separate rounds of customs, and how long it would take to find the building where my package was. I realized that I would be cutting it close and began preparing myself for a longer stay than I had anticipated. My supplies for the trip: my local phone, iphone, ipad, hand sanitizer, mouthwash, toothbrush/toothpaste, deodorant, change of clothes, roughly 300 USD in cash, and enough melatonin to put an elephant to sleep. Because both legs of my trip are overnight rides the tickets I bought included a bed. While this may sound luxurious and comfortable, the tickets were for the "hard sleeper" section which are basically a series of bunk beds (hence the large amount of melatonin). Also, if these beds were anything like the others I've slept on around here, the mattress would be a rock. This would not be an ideal way to spend a weekend but it was still preferable to getting deported, I guess.

3. The Trip-- My train was scheduled to leave at 10:30 on Friday night so that gave me some time to go out and eat a MASSIVE dinner after school (I wasn't sure when my next meal would be so it felt necessary) and then go back to my room and pack. I arrived at the train station an hour before the departure so I could make sure to load up on water and snacks. Soon enough, the time came for me to board the train. I paused for a moment to take a deep breath in order to prepare myself for the experience I was about to have, then I stepped on. The hard sleeper section consisted of a narrow walkway with enclaves off to the side where the beds were located. There were six beds in

My bed

each section with three on each side. The space between the sides wasn't even as wide as my shoulders. The three beds were separated into top, middle, and bottom. I soon realized that on these trains you either want to top (more headroom) or the bottom (bedside table and storage room underneath the bed); the middle (which had neither) was what I had. Climbing into the bed was awkward because I didn't want to step on the bed below me or grab the bed above. I wasn't planning on wearing my shoes in bed but I also had nowhere else to store them so I had to wedge them between my mattress and the wall. I laid down and laughed to myself as I listened to the conductor tell everyone to "get comfortable" and prepare for the departure. My plan was to read until about 1:30 AM, then take my melatonin and see how long I could fall asleep. Things went more or less as planned and I nodded off between 1:30 and 2. The sleep wasn't ideal but I was ready for that (anybody who expects otherwise would be kidding themselves). There was a toddler in the bed below me who seemed determined to stay up and chat all night, also, the train would stop every couple hours at other stations which would also wake me up. I was awake for good around 9:30 the next morning due to a searing pain in my right shoulder that felt like I had pinched a nerve because I slept on it wrong. This pain would last

Border between mainland and HK

the duration of my trip, wonderful. Despite the pain in my shoulder, I felt relatively well rested when we arrived in Shenzhen around noon. I disembarked and followed the signs towards Hong Kong customs ready to take on the next challenge.

My experiences with customs have varied; sometimes it's a five minute breeze, other times an hour long ordeal. This time, my customs experience entering Hong Kong would end up being the worst part of my trip. As it turns out, there are a lot of people who like to go to Hong Kong on the weekends who would've thought? As I got closer to the customs area, the hallway I was walking down became increasingly crowded until I found myself crammed into a space that clearly wasn't meant to hold that amount of people. The idea of forming a line is something that appears to be foreign to Chinese people and this was no exception. I stood for close to 30 minutes shoulder-to-

Customs line from hell.

shoulder with people in a space so tight I couldn't bend my knees. As somebody who has a particular dislike for lines as well as mild claustrophobia, these 30 minutes were my own personal circle of hell. I finally broke through what I thought was the last of it before I found myself at another round. This round was where I would have to declare that I was going specifically to the island of Hong Kong (as opposed to Macao). This section wasn't as crowded but it did take precious time away from me. I arrived at the train going into Hong Kong at 2:30 PM. I had three hours to get into Hong Kong, retrieve my clothes, come back, go through customs, and make the train. Certainly doable but everything would depend on how quickly I could find the building where my package was. I had an address but I didn't know which subway stop would be the closest. My parents' friends who had my package were both out of town and told me they would leave it with their doorman. I planned on calling them but neither of my phones had service. I would have to go it alone. Getting on the subway I felt like I was in "Mission Impossible." I'm sure some of you have felt the hopeless feeling of riding on a subway while being in a big hurry. You stare at the map and constantly count and recount the amount of stops before your destination, the whole time feeling

Road in Hong Kong. HAHAHA get it?

like you are in a car that has hit every red light it comes across.

My plan once I arrived on Hong Kong island was to get off at the first station I could and take my chances with the car traffic and hope my cab driver would know where to go. I got off and grabbed the first cab I saw and showed him the address (Most locals in Hong Kong speak Cantonese so I didn't even want to attempt to pronounce the street name, Mandarin is hard enough.) After looking at the address the driver absolutely gunned it. I've had some crazy cab drivers before but this was the first time where I actually appreciated it. It was clear that I was somebody who wasn't from the area and he could have easily taken a longer way in order to drive up the fare (which a lot of drivers do) but not this man. It was as if my desperate energy had somehow rubbed off on him. He dropped me off at an intersection and sped away. I surveyed the buildings around me hoping that I was in the right place. I asked a person on the road if they knew where the address I had in my

Location of my box

hand was, they pointed in a general direction and I began walking. Eventually, I saw a building that seemed to match the description I had. I entered the lobby of the building, still not quite sure if it was the right place. I walked over to the front desk but nobody was there. I then looked down to my left and saw a box sitting on the ground. I walked over to it and saw that it was mine. It's hard to put into words the sense of relief and accomplishment I felt as I picked it up. Seeing a box with my name and U.S. address on it after having been through a thirteen hour train ride, a hellish round of customs, three subway connections, and a cab ride so that I could arrive in a building that I had never been to, located in a city that I have never lived in, was a crazy feeling to me. I couldn't help but smile and laugh because, despite everything I had gone through to that point, things actually had worked out for me. My trip was only halfway over and I wasn't out of the woods yet because I still had to get back to Shenzhen and through customs again to make my train. I was exhausted at that point but the adrenaline rush I got from finding that box made the cab and subway ride a breeze for me. Going through customs coming back took about half as much time as coming in and I made it to my train with 45 minutes to spare. When I entered the train I stored my luggage and sat down. I felt like Walter White after blowing up Tuco's office (5 minute mark). As I sat in one of the seats by the window and watched as the train moved through remote parts of China that I would probably otherwise never see, I was so content and happy with myself that I didn't even care how much my shoulder hurt, or how hungry I was; I didn't even mind the fact that I was stuck with the middle bunk again. Sleep would be a lot easier to come by on the way back. 

train tickets

3. Conclusion: I know what you're probably thinking, "That doesn't sound worth it at all!" I agree,

the whole trip truly sucked and I hope to never have to do that again. I had experienced sleep deprivation, exhaustion, claustrophobia, annoyance, and, most prominently, doubt. Not just doubt that I wouldn't make it back for my return trip, but doubt over the decisions I had made that put me in this country and in this situation. Nobody should have to go through that just to retrieve a box of their own personal belongings (I also ensured that I wouldn't get deported, but still) however; it's because of how much it sucked that I will always look back on that weekend with fondness. I felt more alive throughout that whole experience than anything I've done in recent years, I plan on keeping those train tickets forever.

Anybody who has ever sucked at golf knows what a bad round feels like. It's an uncomfortable and highly frustrating experience that isn't over quickly. It can cause you to lose your composure and question why you even wanted to come out in the first place. But sometimes, just when you are about to give up, through divine intervention or some miracle of physics, you will knock a 150 yard approach shot within a foot of the hole and tap in for birdie. When the round is over, that is the only shot you are thinking about. That is what keeps you coming back. Finding that box and making my train was my 150 yard approach shot. It was an unexpected victory in a trip full of defeats. It's these victories that make travelling like crack to me and keeps me coming back for more.

Speaking of coming back for more, I will have to make this trip again. Next time I'll make sure to stay longer.

"Going Native" Experience of the Week

Becoming a regular at the coffee shop down the road from CLI. One of the real bummers about living here is that coffee isn't nearly as popular as it is back home. The American office culture of drinking coffee by the gallon in order to make it to 5:00 and not have a conniption fit when stuck in rush hour traffic doesn't really exist. That void is filled largely by tea. Coffee here is looked at as more of a fancy drink that people will sit down and enjoy during their leisure time, because of this coffee tends to be a bit more expensive. However, with my job being what it is, if I don't show up to work with an energy level that at least matches that of my students I'm pretty much screwed. So, having reached the ripe old age of 22 and not being a big fan of tea, old habits die hard. There is a restaurant next to my house back home that I would go to just about every Sunday morning (as well as some Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights) that I miss dearly, so it's nice to have a place here that I can walk into and be recognized by the person who works there.

The Encounter Cafe

Mandarin Improvement Sign

While it was admittedly a struggle, I'm going to count successfully buying train tickets as a sign of improvement. My goal walking into that building was to leave with two train tickets and I achieved that, despite standing through two wrong lines before finally figuring out the right one. Go me.


Funny Sign of the Week

This is a pack of condoms....

Reason Why I Like This Place

I really enjoy the "family-style" of eating. It makes dining out a more shared experience. Instead of the western practice of everyone having their own personal plate and having mundane conversations like "How was that sandwich?" "It was pretty good, how were those peas?" eating out has a more Thanksgiving-like atmosphere. Because I haven't been here very long I've eaten out with a lot of people I don't know very well, so anything that can stimulate conversation is something I welcome.

White people feast

Random Tangent

As many of my friends back home know, I am a lifelong Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. The first song by them that grabbed my attention was "Otherside" off their album "Californication." I remember being drawn to what I'll describe as an "upbeat and fast-paced smoothness" to their melodies. Despite being a fan of them for so long, I have never been to a concert of theirs...one of the biggest failures in my life. The closest I've come is being denied an autograph by their newest guitarist Josh Klinghoffer, easily a top ten moment in the past 22 years for me. Seeing how they're advancing in age and probably won't make a tour stop in Guilin any time soon, there is a possibility that I may never see them in concert. Due to this disappointment I've decided to take in upon myself to construct what, for me, a perfect concert set list of theirs would be. Right off the bat I know that this could never happen because my ideal concert would include now-departed guitarist John Frusciante, one of my favorite musicians. One rule I made for myself is that, in order to capture the full scope of their evolution over the years, I have to include a song from each of their albums since their beginning in the 80s. I know this is rather self-indulgent but it's my blog and my concert so anybody who has a problem with that can take a walk.


SET 1 Evolution: I'd like the first set to be dedicated to showcasing their range of sound and the evolution of their music from the early 80s to where they are now.

1. Deep Kick (One Hot Minute)-It may seem strange to begin the concert with an odd song like this but I chose "Deep Kick" because it is the story of how Anthony Keidis and Flea first met as kids and the beginnings of their band. Also, I think the beginning narration that morphs into one of their upbeat jams is a good way to begin a show.

2. The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie (I'm With You)-Their most recent hit single. If we're going to travel backwards in time to their beginnings it's important to begin with where they are now. You can also never have too much cowbell.

3. Charlie (Stadium Arcadium)-Continuing backwards with one of their funkier songs from Stadium Arcadium.

4. Venice Queen (By the Way)-Underrated song showcasing Frusciante's unique guitar style.

5. Otherside (Californication)-Definitely need to include the first song of theirs I heard in this section. I like the slow build up that takes place throughout the song until it finally erupts towards the end with another face-paced riff by Frusciante.

6. Aeroplane (One Hot Minute)-Seen by many to be the crowning achievement of the Dave Navarro era--there weren't many.

7. Suck My Kiss (Blood Sugar Sex Magik)-Hit song from their first album in the 90s decade. You can sense here that they're beginning to channel their wilder energy into something more cohesive and coherent than their music from the 80s.

8. Taste the Pain (Mother's Milk)-Their first album after the death of their original guitarist, Hillel Slovak, and the subsequent quitting of their original drummer, Jack Irons. Gave everybody a first glimpse of their current drummer Will Ferrell, excuse me Chad Smith, and John Frusciante. The most popular song played from this album is "Higher Ground," but I'm sick of hearing it so this is my selection.

9. Fight Like a Brave (Uplift Mofo Party Plan)-A power ballad with an easy chorus that the crowd can sing along with.

10. Brother's Cup (Freaky Styley)-Early rap/funk fusion song reflective of the musical tastes of funk legend George Clinton, who was their producer for this album.

11. Get Up and Jump (Red Hot Chili Peppers)-Aaaand we've arrived at square one. This is their first hit as a full band. Taking place back in their raw cock-in-a-sock days. What they lack in adequate song writing and musicianship, they more than make up for in energy.

SET 2 Quirks: In this set I would like them to show some of the recurring themes they include in their music, as well as any extra talents, bonus tracks, covers, or solo projects.

12. Around the World (Californication)-One of the genres that Anthony likes to incorporate into his vocals is rap. There are many instances where, in my opinion, this turns out horribly. but "Around the World" is a song where this rapping is at harmony with the instruments accompanying it.

13. Did I Let You Know (I'm With You)-Flea is one of the best bassists in history but this song gives him a chance to show his skills with another instrument he enjoys: the trumpet.

14. Ah Yom (The Empyrean)-My favorite song of John Frusciante's otherwise bizarre and ill-advised attempt at a solo career. He does have a good voice (when he's sober) and I'd like to see him demonstrate that live as a lead singer.

15. Purple Haze (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)-With his funk/rock and roll fusion style of music, Jimi Hendrix was a major influence on the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the beginning. They have already saluted him by covering his song "Fire" but I would like to see them cover "Purple Haze." I think the song fits in with their style and it's always fun to hear classic songs in a different way.

16. Quixoticelixer (Bonus)-My favorite in a long list of extra songs that weren't released into albums. Although "Quixoticelixer" was recorded with "Californication," It wasn't released until 2006.

17. Soul to Squeeze (Bonus)-Slowing it down with a more country-sounding song. Recorded with Blood Sugar Sex Magik, it was released by itself as a single. The chorus of this song was one of my quotes in my senior high school year book so it's going in here.

SET 3 Hits: Songs that appeal even to the casual fan, ones that everybody knows and what they are famous for today.

18. Californication (Californication)-My favorite music video ever.
19. By the Way (By the Way)
20. Dani California (Stadium Arcadium)
These three songs are included together in this order specifically because they are meant to be a trilogy about a fictional girl named Dani (Teenage bride with a baby inside-Californication, Dani the girl singing songs...-By the Way, Dani California-Dani California). They're all good songs too.

21. Scar Tissue (Californication)-Slower song from my favorite album of theirs. The slide guitar is pretty cool too. COME BACK JOHN!

22. The Zephyr Song (By the Way)-My favorite song by the Chilis has changed a few times but, as of right now, this song is holding down top spot. It epitomizes everything I like about this band (especially the guitar solo at 2:08).

23. Snow (Hey Oh) (Stadium Arcadium)-A not-so-subtle allusion to the bands past history of drug addiction. It's a song that everybody likes but hopefully not a song that everybody can relate to.

24. Give it Away (Blood Sugar Sex Magik)-Their most played song in live performances, makes sense to save this one for last.

ENCORE

25. Can't Stop (By the Way)-Upbeat pace with a title like "Can't Stop," this song was made for encores.

26. Under the Bridge (Blood Sugar Sex Magik)-Perhaps their most popular song ever written.

So here we are, the extent of my fanhood boiled down to one concert.

School Begins

Well the moment I had been waiting for for months has finally come, school has started. I am now an English teacher at Guilin Yangguang Elementary school. Yangguang roughly translates into English as "Sunny" but I'm going to keep calling it Yangguang because calling it the Guilin Sunny School makes it sound like I work at a daycare center (oh shit maybe that is what I'm doing). But in all seriousness I was surprised and very impressed by the campus. I had heard going into it that Yangguang had a reputation as being the nicest elementary school in Guilin but I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. The campus is completely gated with three buildings (two of which are four stories and one that is three) surrounding a large courtyard with basketball courts and a large building off to the side for "international students" (99.9% of which are Chinese). I had originally thought that I would be only teaching the second grade but on my first day I was informed that, in addition to teaching second grade, I would be teaching grades ranging from preschool (WTF!) to 6th grade. I have found all of the grades to be manageable but dealing with preschoolers has reaffirmed my feeling that I am nowhere close to a point in my life where I would be ready for a child of my own. One of the things that I have really noticed about these kids is that they have a desire to learn greater than most kids I have seen at their age. I still can't decide if it's genuine or if they have parents who have really hammered home the fact that they are paying a lot of money for them to go to school there, nevertheless it makes my job a bit easier. My two other coworkers and I combine to form the entire population of westerners in the school, so our presence has been met with great interest and curiosity. Walking in between classes is always an adventure for me. I've had kids spying on me through windows, try to touch my face and hair, and one time I had a group of about ten 2nd graders surround me and each try to hug me. Every time a student sees me in the hallways they always waive and say "Hello teacher!" Most of the kids seem very eager to practice their English with me, and with the school's accelerated English curriculum many of them are quite good. I almost wish that this was the kind of school I went to when I was younger in Taiwan. It also makes me realize that the U.S. really needs to step up their foreign language education in elementary schools.

A typical day at Yangguang starts at around 7 A.M. where students arrive and eat breakfast before the first class at 8. Before classes begin, all students sit in their classrooms and recite some type of creed or motto (my Chinese isn't good enough yet to understand fully what they're saying) followed by what I think is the national anthem. Things go along normally until 9:30 AM when, if it isn't raining, all of the students go out to the courtyard and line up by grade do their morning exercises. These exercises take the form of a choreographed dance that follows a 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 cadence demonstrated by a faculty member on a stage in front of everybody. After the exercises comes the daily English sentence...that's where I come in. The three foreign teachers are supposed to split days to do it but since I'm new I've gotten stuck with the duty more often than not. A person then hands me a microphone and I get on stage and recite a prepared sentence several times, which the

Student beds

student body then repeats back to me. After the assembly, classes resume until around noon when the students break for lunch and a nap (every single student in the school has their own bed). This break lasts for over two hours and classes resume at 2:20 PM. During this time one of my coworkers and I will usually go back to his apartment and watch a movie. Classes continue until 5:45 PM and then the day is over. All of the classes are forty minutes long with breaks in between where some activity or exercise is planned. Everything seems very regimented from the exercises to the mandatory apple eating immediately following the nap (seriously, that's real). They must have figured out some formula to help students retain the maximum amount of information in a given day. Don't worry America I'll keep investigating and taking secret notes. As I alluded to earlier everything my job requires seems very manageable to me and even fun at times, but talk to me in two weeks and see how I feel then.

"Going Native" Experience of the Week

Coming face-to-face with one of these bad boys during what I'll call a "moment of crisis":

Not Cool

I know that China isn't the only country to use these squatters as toilets, but the whole approach to toilets and bathrooms here is mind boggling to me. This is what the bathroom looks like next to my office at school:

Aside from the obvious lack of doors on the stalls and the trench that would absolutely ruin your day should you accidentally slip into it, notice how short the sides of the stalls are. I'm a short person and those things barely reach my waist. What's the point? Something to hold on to for extra stability maybe?  They certainly aren't there for privacy. Also, there is no toilet paper to be found anywhere in this and many other bathrooms. Living here you need to get in the habit of always carrying around a packet of multipurpose tissues in case of an emergency. Failure to do so can result in some pretty shitty (HA!) consequences. So that's another item that I need to carry with me at all times in addition to my local phone, iphone (for pictures), keys, and wallet. It's a lot to carry everywhere I go especially when I'm wearing a pair of khakis. Maybe I should get some cargo pants or a man purse...haha just kidding, never. Now, if I lived in a poor area that didn't have an adequate drainage system I wouldn't be drawing attention to their bathrooms like I am, but I don't. The school I teach at is a private school with a reputation for being the nicest in the entire city. The school has enough money to purchase beds for all of its students, provide everybody with three meals a day, own local real estate so its employees can live for free, and have nice glass backboards on its basketball hoops in the playground. But stall doors and toilet paper are nowhere to be found. Oh and I'm pretty sure the bathroom in that picture is unisex.


Mandarin Improvement Sign

One of the positive aspects of teaching young kids for me is that their English is not very good which forces me to try to explain lessons and activities in Chinese. I have gotten a lot of laughs from the students when I try to speak because I'm sure that I'm butchering a lot of the pronunciation; but, if I am able to get my message across and they do what I want them to do it gives me a feeling of satisfaction.

Funny Sign of the Week

Posted throughout the school are a series of motivational and instructional signs. Most of them make sense but I thought this would be a good section to share them, many of you are probably reading this as you're procrastinating at work so maybe it'll help motivate:

Of course they have a quote from Marx. Also, "numinous" is not a word

Reason Why I Like This Place
Spontaneously placed elliptical machines! What a good way to promote public health. Now they just need to conquer the rampant tobacco addiction here.

Random Tangent

I actually had a pretty lengthy, musically-themed installment here but it's late, I'm tired and I have a 13.5 hour train ride to Hong Kong tomorrow which I'm sure will provide me with some good material for my next post so it'll have to wait for another time. Instead I'll leave you with a clip of one of my favorite movie scenes of all time from one of my favorite movies of all time Pulp Fiction.

Hope everyone home is staying safe from the polar vortex, whatever that is.

**I had some good pictures and videos from my school but they're on my ipad which is currently having difficulty syncing with my computer, I'll have them next time.

Calm Before the Storm

My god it's cold here. I thought I was through with Blacksburg winters. While the actual temperature hasn't been exceedingly low (mid thirties to low forties) there's more humidity than I'm accustomed to. It's the kind of cold that penetrates any area that isn't being blasted by a heater and makes you dread getting out of the shower; once you throw wind into the mix, it can be pretty brutal. Besides showering, the only other time that I feel somewhat warm is when I'm out running. I haven't had much to do while I wait for school to begin so running has become my attempt at creating a routine for myself. I've been able to carve out a route which, due to living in an urban area, hasn't been the easiest task. My route takes me behind my building and down a path that goes around one of the mini karst mountains (these erupt sporadically throughout the city), past a Buddhist temple, through a small street market, up a gravel path that becomes a sort of construction zone, and loops back to the main road which takes me back to CLI. The distance is about two miles and the amount of loops I do depends on how I'm feeling that day. Running here doesn't seem to be as popular a form of exercise as it is in the U.S. The exercises I see people doing range from simple stretching to Tai Chi to chinese yo yo-ing to the man I saw last summer who decided to exercise his vocal cords by standing in the middle of a soccer field, spreading his arms and yelling at the top of his lungs at 8 AM. Craziness. The market is always the most interesting stretch on my route. I get the

part of my route

sense that A) they don't get many runners coming through and B) they haven't seen many people who look like me. My legs don't get very cold when I'm running so usually I'm wearing shorts when I come barreling through which, combined with my whiteness, creates quite a spectacle for these people. I see a lot of them nudging their friends and pointing at me as if to say "What the hell is that strange looking person doing?" While others look as though they can't comprehend what they're seeing.

Spring Festival is more or less over so more stores and restaurants are now open as the city seems to be getting back into the normal swing of things. I'm wrapping up my second week here and I've started to compile a list of go to food establishments. These places range from sit-down restaurants to street vendors. The process of finding these places has been largely trial and error, and there have certainly been some errors. The health codes here are not as strict as in the U.S. so I've found that it's best not to think about what health violations are occuring in the kitchen where my food is being made. The other day I found a small restaurant near my building that I enjoyed, however, upon leaving I noticed a sign with a large letter C on the wall and realized that that was the health rating. I would've been grossed out but that restaurant wasn't even close to the dirtiest place I've eaten. Many places don't even have health ratings. Good thing I packed a lot of Tums. Running isn't the only time where I get a lot of stares. Seeing a waiguoren (foreigner) eating at a local Guilin spot also seems to be pretty amusing to the people around here. I normally go to lunch alone so I've had people come sit at my table and try to speak to me in English, to which I'll do my best to respond in Chinese. I've had others simply stare at me and smile without making any attempt at subtlety. The other day I had an old man and woman stand next to where I was sitting and watch me eat, while conversing with each other in the local Guilin dialect and laughing with each successful bite I took. All of the attention I've been getting is mostly borne out of curiosity and is always non-threatening, so I don't mind it and I do my best to smile and acknowledge them. It's also been a good way to practice Chinese.

The restaurant health rating. I love the emoticon.

I'm starting to become more and more convinced that chopsticks are just one big practical joke that Asians play on outsiders. It's not as though these people have never heard of a fork before (at least spoons are used here). I just think the sight of a foreigner struggling to eat food that is placed right in front of them is a joke that never gets old. I've spent a decent amount of time in this part of the world throughout my life so I've more or less gotten it down, but it hasn't been easy (try eating rice with chopsticks) and I still struggle every now and then (always to the amusement of whoever is eating with me or nearby). When I first taught myself how to use chopsticks I always held them with my thumb, ring, and middle finger, until one day I was informed that that was not the proper way to hold them. Furthermore, I learned that if your index finger wasn't holding the chopsticks and was pointing at someone who you are eating with, that it is a sign of disrespect to some people. I then had to teach myself all over again how to hold them. I personally think that they just saw a foreigner who was getting too comfortable and decided to ruffle my feathers a bit. I must say though, I do respect their dedication to the chopstick as a utensil, not because I think it's some cool cultural norm that has endured through the years, but rather that it is a subtle, yet effective, way to prevent too many westerners from infiltrating their country, especially Americans. If you're looking to protect a native population from American influence there's no need to waste time making immigration harder, simply make eating harder. Americans will be more distressed than Tobias Funke taking a shower.

The 3rd and 4th characters are gou and rou which mean dog meat.
I haven't eaten here...yet

Aside from my food and exercise adventures there hasn't been much to report. I've gotten pretty bored at times but something tells me in a few weeks I will be looking back on this time with nostalgia. On Monday I will enter a room with about 30 second grade students and attempt to teach them English. Something I anticipate will require more patience than I've ever needed before.

Oh yea and I saw a guy riding down the road today on a scooter with a crate of roasted dog carcasses attached to the back...so there's that.



"Going Native" Experience of the Week
I realize that the concept of an arcade is not a distinctly Asian creation, however, going to an arcade in China is. Due to my prior experiences in Guilin and Taiwan, I was already aware that the video gaming scene in Asia was on a different level than back home. Still, despite being armed with this knowledge, something definitely gets lost in translation when you actually experience it firsthand. It was the weekend and some friends and I were looking for a way to kill a few hours before heading out to the bars. One of the girls in the group suggested that going to an arcade would be a good way to accomplish that, we all agreed. The entrance to the place was a nondescript, descending staircase; however, as we walked further down, there was a blue glow that continued to get brighter and music that continued to get louder. When we reached the bottom I couldn't tell if I was at a rave or an arcade. Blue lights were flashing all around me and the combination of the music and sound effects from the games was loud enough to where you had to shout at the person next to you. As far as games go they had everything: driving games, shooting games, basketball games, fighting games, rock band, trivia, item grabs, some type of rhythmic gong-hitting game, and some game in the back that combines virtual fishing, gambling, and repeatedly pushing some green button. That final game looked pretty stressful and all of the tables were under a large cloud of smoke that came from the participants sucking down cigarettes at a pace that can only be described as lethal. We all bought tokens and off we went. I didn't win anything and I left with the group an hour and a half later with fried retinas and ringing ears, it was pretty fun though.


Mandarin Improvement Sign
Playing Chinese drinking games. It's amazing how much your confidence level increases after a few drinks. I should knock a few back before school (kidding mom).

Funny Sign of the Week
Again from the archives:

Fancy way of saying overpriced airport retail store

Reason Why I Like This Place
The eggplant here is the best I've ever had. It makes me actually want to eat vegetables because I enjoy them, rather than feeling obligated to put something green next to a 16 oz steak. Living here is definitely going to improve my spicy food game as well.



Random Tangent

^Bum

The Indiana Pacers have been my favorite NBA team since I was in kindergarten. It's the only professional American sports team that I did not inherit from my dad; coincidentally, it's the only professional American sports team I root for that is actually good (what else did you dupe me into Dad?). Since the Washington Redskins, Seattle Mariners, Washington Capitals, Virginia Tech Football/Basketball, and even Manchester United this year are more or less crap, it has been very exciting to watch this current NBA season, and witness the team I root for become arguably the best in the league. With the emergence of Paul George combined with a revitalized bench, one of the best defenses in recent history, and an especially weak eastern conference, it's been pretty smooth sailing for the Pacers heading into the All-Star break. I am concerned, however, with their recent signing of Andrew Bynum. Even back when he was on the Lakers he was one of my least favorite players in the league. He's an entitled, locker room cancer who has left a trail of dysfunction in his wake (more here). He clearly doesn't care enough about basketball any more  to improve and is simply hanging on to collect a few more paychecks. Although far be it from me to question the methods of GM Larry Bird. He's the only person to ever be the MVP as a player and go on to become coach and GM of the year. He's basically made the sport of basketball his bitch. That being said, a trend that I've noticed with people who have experienced that kind of success, is that they begin to get too cute and outsmart themselves because they think they can succeed with players that "lesser" people have failed with (Patriots/Tim Tebow and Albert Haynesworth, Lakers/Kwame Brown, any team who has ever signed Mario Balotelli or Milton Bradley). This signing by the Pacers seems to be following in those footsteps. I get that it's a minimum contract and that he'll be spending the majority of the time on the bench but the guy is, by all accounts, a shithead. While things have been pretty easy so far for the Pacers there will come a point this season where they are faced with adversity and when that happens, Bynum is not somebody you want in your locker room. I'm sure that I'm probably overanalyzing all of this but as a big sports fan who has witnessed so little success in my life from any of my teams, I feel like I have a lot riding on this NBA season. Therefore, if the Pacers have their season torpedoed by some guy riddled with red flags who they willingly signed I swear I'm going to...well...I'll do something.

Leave any questions/comments/concerns below or email me. Hope everyone back home is staying safe and enjoying the snow.

The Eagle Has Landed

Well I made it, although it would seem that my body still thinks that I'm on the east coast of the United States. Due to the fact that Guilin is thirteen hours ahead of Richmond, I anticipate that it will take at least a week for me to get used to this time zone. My erratic sleeping patterns have so far supported this theory. Despite a first day flight cancellation, which led to me having an overnight layover in Detroit, the trip went relatively smoothly, relatively being the operative word. I made a critical long flight blunder in that I did not download enough reading material on my kindle. After finishing reading what little I had on there, I was forced to choose from the movie selection provided for me on my personal TV, a devastating first world problem. During the 12.5 hour flight which took me over Canada, the North Pole, Russia, and Mongolia before finally landing in Beijing, I managed to watch Forest Gump (great movie I had never seen before), Goodfellas (ditto), The Purge (made me want to purge whoever directed that pile of crap), Rush (better than I thought it would be) and The End of Watch (not a fan of the home video style of filming). I arrived in Beijing at 3:30 PM and had a six hour layover before my final three hour flight to Guilin. By the time I boarded the plane, I had been awake for over 24 hours and was planning on trying to catch some rest so that I wouldn't be a zombie when I arrived at my final destination. After takeoff I began to settle in but just as I was about to fall asleep, a teenage Chinese girl (or maybe she was in her mid to late twenties, who knows, Asian girls seem to age much slower) sitting next to me pulls out her phone and starts playing What Does the Fox Say at full volume without bothering to put her headphones in. Are you kidding me? The only thing I could do at that point was laugh. I guess that song is making an attempt to fill the void left by the immortal Gangnam Style. Somebody needs to explain to me how the fox song became so popular. Gangnam Style was a bit silly also, but at least it's a song you can bob your head to while drunk at a party. Attempting to sing along with the fox song could lead to some people mistaking you for having a seizure. Anyways, about 20 minutes after the song was over, the plane ran into a particularly violent patch of turbulence. The intercom came on and, since this was a domestic China flight, told everyone in Mandarin what I assumed to be along the lines of "we 're experiencing turbulence please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts." A couple seconds later the intercom comes back on and, in English, says "Everybody please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts the plane...has been destabilized...." WAIT WHAT?! The announcement sent a jolt of panic through my body that immediately pulled me out of my half awake half asleep state. Frantically I began looking around and noticed that nobody else seemed to be worried. I realized then that it must've been an imperfect translation. I was one of maybe three white people on that plane so I doubt the flight attendants even realized the scare they gave me. Falling asleep after that was out of the question, but at least the rest of the flight went without incident. I arrived in Guilin at midnight and was taken to the Chinese Language Institute (hereafter CLI) where I immediately collapsed into a much-needed sleep.

Quick tangent: On the first two legs of my trip I flew on Delta airlines, an American company, while on the last leg I flew on China Southern, a domestic Chinese company who is a partner of Delta. After experiencing those two flights I came to notice the enormous gulf of difference between the service of American vs Chinese airlines. The flight attendants on American airlines seem to all have the looks and demeanor of an angry, beaten down elementary school bus driver. They make you feel like they're doing you a favor by simply doing their job. On the other hand, China Southern (annoying passengers and translation problems aside) had young, attractive attendants who always had a smile on their face and were constantly checking on people to see if their needs were met. Now, I do realize that Chinese airlines have a more extensive history of plane crashes than American airlines, but I take solace in knowing that all of my needs will be met right up until the point that I become vaporized in a fiery explosion. Come on America, get your shit together.

So now I find myself staying in a temporary room at CLI as my apartment isn't ready for me to move into

Local street art

quite yet. The atmosphere in Guilin is quite different than what it was when I left last summer. Right now it's the Spring Festival in China, which is a two week celebration that coincides with Chinese New Year. This is a family-oriented holiday where schools and many businesses go on vacation. CLI is pretty much empty and many of the restaurants that I would normally go to are closed, making getting food a bit of a chore. Despite these obstacles, there is a certain independence that I feel when I'm alone that I really enjoy. While I do love travelling with friends, sometimes I feel that it can cause you to descend into groupthink, which can stagnate and dumb down the experience a bit. While it's always good to share an experience with someone else, I believe it is equally important to make an effort to form your own opinion of your situation and surroundings; something that can only come through self-discovery. I'm sure in a week I will be bored out of my mind and ready to start making some more friends but right now I'm pretty content.

Aftermath of the firecrackers

I've been spending a lot of the daytime walking around the city taking in the many different sites, sounds, and smells. One custom of this holiday that is taking time for me to get used to is the practice of people lighting off firecrackers at random times throughout the day. It catches me by surprise every time. There is never any warning and it occurs seemingly everywhere, on people's doorsteps, on the sidewalks, people throwing them out of moving cars, etc. It begins around 8 AM and goes late into the night. The streets are littered with red paper that had previously been wrapped around these firecrackers. The city seems to be in a constant mode of celebration, which I find to be pretty cool. I'm thinking I'll go buy some of these firecrackers and start throwing them out of my third story window just to show people that I'm down with the spring festival too. I don't see any way that could end badly.


"Going Native" Experience of the Week
Getting woken up at 7 AM by some guy standing outside my building playing the flute, then deciding to go on a run and getting chased by a flock of chickens.

Mandarin Improvement Sign
Explaining to the lady checking me out at the supermarket that she had charged me for two cans of shaving cream when in fact I had only bought one. Baby steps people.

Funny Sign of the Week
I didn't see much in the way of funny signage this week so again I'm going to use one that I saw the last time I was here. Finding a new sign each week may be harder than I thought. Here it is:

I saw this sign while I was touring a famous cave system in Yangshuo, about an hour outside of Guilin. I'm not sure if they're trying to say don't touch the cave walls or don't beat other people around you. I showed tremendous self-control and refrained from both just to be safe.

Reason Why I Like This Place
Buying lunch, dinner, and other miscellaneous items for the past six days has cost me a grand total of $50 US.

Random Tangent
With all the celebrities that are out there nowadays sometimes it's hard to keep track of who's alive and who isn't. It seems every month some famous person is committing suicide or overdosing on drugs or getting in a fatal car accident. It happens so often that these instances become just another headline and we, as consumers, have become somewhat numb to it. It is because of this trend that I felt surprised at how sad I was this week to learn of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. If you asked me a week ago to name who I thought were the best actors in the industry today his is a name that I think I would have forgotten to say, and I'm not exactly sure why. He is on a short list of actors who, for me, can make a movie better just by his mere presence (other people on that list would include Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L. Jackson, Christian Bale and a few others). Due to the age we live in, artistic license in movie directing often takes a backseat to making a quick buck. That's why there's about 573 vampire movies because I guess that's cool now and everything that becomes a box office hit then gets turned into a sequel or trilogy. Because of this laziness the onus often falls on the actors to make or break a movie. Hoffman's acting prowess allowed him to play characters that ranged from Scotty J. in Boogie Nights to the embattled Father Brendan Flynn in Doubt to arguably his best role as Truman Capote in Capote. I encourage whoever is reading this to check out his IMDb page here and read this obituary written about him on Grantland. Oftentimes when somebody dies before their time the people who remain behind search for a meaning or a lesson behind it. As far as lessons go I can think of two: first being that the rich and famous are not without their own problems. Secondly, heroin is bad news bears and you shouldn't ever do it. Deep stuff I know. Rest easy PSH.

On a lighter note here is a video of Seattle Seahawks fans celebrating their Superbowl win but still refusing to jaywalk. I love how they go nuts when the walking sign is illuminated.  Good for them, hard to believe they live on the same coast as Raiders fans.